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Domestic violence – is it an addiction?

Is domestic violence an addiction as far as the abused is concerned?

Today I’m going to explore whether domestic violence is a form of an addiction, coming from the point of view of the abused.

(I initially typed “victim”, then backed that shit out and typed abused).

First of all, it’s a bit screwed up, that we’re in the year 2017, and we’re STILL talking about domestic violence, more than ever.

Is it safe to say, “WHAT THE ACTUAL F++K!!!”?

I mean, look how far we’ve come in the past 20 years………

Think back to the car your parents drove around in when you were growing up.

For some of us, those cars had 8-track players, and for us younger kids, we had cassette tapes.

Then for those reallllllllllly young bloods, there are those who’ve only experienced compact discs, aka “CDs”!

Fast forward to today, and wow!

We can wirelessly stream our PHONES to the stereo of our cars!  If that’s not advancement over the course of 20 years, then I don’t know what is.

This bit on the wireless streaming brings me to my second example: YOUR CELL PHONE!

Dude – I remember back IN THE DAY my mom was SUCH a pimp.

Her dope-growing boyfriend who I loved dearly (RIP Marty), had a BAG PHONE!

Yeah…  you know the one… it plugged into the 9-volt outlet of your vehicle in order to get the party started!

Literally holding a bag, with a wire that connected off it, to talk into a handheld receiver!  Wood chuck to grey squirrel! hahahahahahahaha!

You get my point….

Just one look at our current world, and EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT AND EVOLVED.

The largest taxi company (uber) doesn’t own any cars, and the largest hotel company (airB&B) doesn’t have any hotels!

YET, we haven’t evolved on Women’s rights.

I’m not even talking about rights where equality is concerned.

The fact that women STILL only make $0.77 to a man’s $1.00 doesn’t even bother me in comparison to what I’m referring to.

I’m talking about GOD GIVEN RIGHTS OF SAFETY.

We are STILL living in a barbaric time, where the state of Oklahoma can pass a law where by if a victim is unconscious, then oral sex is not considered rape, and a time when men STILL think it’s OK to bash women.

Before I go on, let me add a note:

To any man reading this, who believes it is OK to bash the shit out of your wife, girlfriend, or date – you are not at fault.

Yeah, you need to definitely take ownership and responsibility for your own actions.

But also, whoever raised you needs a swift kick in the CU$T (yeah, I said it – I’m tired of playing around the bush… (no pun intended)).

It is time to accept some responsibility and break your jacked up cycle.  Or – pack your shit and get OUT son!

This brings me to the whole point of this blog.

“Pack your shit and get OUT”………..

Now, here we are, FINALLY circling back to the opening line:

Is domestic violence an addiction as far as the abused is concerned?

It’s odd how sometimes things take a LONG time to sink in for me.

I’m not someone who has experienced domestic violence myself.

Sexual assault on the other hand, I can easily chime in on.

But when it comes to a man laying hands on me, and me sticking around for more than one go at it?

Not in my book.

Therefore, when it comes to this topic, I’m not the best person to discuss it with.

Why is that?

Because, I don’t have the experience!  Or, do I?  (I’m getting there, keep reading).

The first time I was exposed to domestic violence was through a best friend in high school.

She started dating a guy who was a couple of grades ahead of us.  He was a real “bad boy”.

Without going into too much detail, he used to threaten her all the time.

As far as I know, he never actually laid hands on her, but there was definitely pushing and shoving going on, on top of threats.

She would break up with him, swear him off, then always somehow wind up getting back together with him.

I could never understand it.  (Until now….)

I’ve never had any family members, or other close friends in my adult life come to me with this issue, until recently.

Now, since I stop and take regular inventory of myself: My actions, behaviours, goals, etc.  I can see that my response to someone experiencing repeated domestic violence SUCKS!

The response in my head, towards a friend who recently returned to a partner who has a history of abusing her verbally and physically, was this:

“What the FUCK is wrong with you!  You KNEW that he was going to do this AGAIN!  I give up!  I don’t know how to help!”…..

Then the hammer dropped….

I realised that this is EXACTLY how people would respond towards me when it came to drugs and alcohol!!!

Furthermore, this is the blanket response from society when responding to drug addicts and alcoholics.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  “YOU KNEW IT WAS GOING TO GET YOU INTO TROUBLE AGAIN” “I GIVE UP!” “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU”.

Well, well, well…… have a look at THAT!

Are there not extremely similar parallels when it comes to domestic violence and drug and alcohol addiction?

We SWEAR IT OFF till the cows come home:

“I’ll never touch that shit again, I SWEAR!.  I don’t ever want to feel that horrible again.  I can see that this is NOT good for me.”

The shame and remorse are too unbearable, leaving us feeling horrible.

THEN the emotions and fear set it and soon enough, we are off and running again!

But what fear?

The fear of not being good enough, being alone, being empty….

Or, like with domestic violence, the fear of not finding someone to love us, being alone, being empty, fear of him/her coming back so we better play nice……

WE PICK UP AND DO IT AGAIN 100% BELIEVING THAT THIS TIME IT’S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!  THIS TIME WE HAVE A HANDLE ON IT.  WE HAVE CHANGED.  WE CAN CONTROL IT/HIM/HER.

Sadly, it is not different, and the SAME result comes again.

We are powerless when it comes to drugs and alcohol, and we are powerless when it comes to being back in the same shitty relationship.

Although we 110% BELIEVED things would be different this time around…….. they never change.

Do you know what the definition of insanity is according to Einstein?

Repeating the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

So what is it?

There is no chemical component with domestic violence like there is with drugs and alcohol, right?  Or is there?

What about the rush of making up.

Who here can agree that make-up sex is THE BEST!

The feeling of hope and reconciliation.  The passion………

Anything can become an unhealthy habit, aka an addiction.

Gambling.  Sex.  Food.  Medication.  Shopping.  Cutting/Self Harm.  Drugs.  Alcohol.  Domestic Violence…..

But – is it worth your life?

Is that high from smoking that last bowl of crystal meth worth your life?

As he holds you by the throat and with 110% power, smashes his knuckles against your face, breaking your jaw and teeth?

Potentially causing permanent brain damage?

I don’t think so.

So then, why don’t you “just stop”.

Because we can’t “just stop” once we start.

So – what’s the solution?

One thing I can say with 110% conviction, is you are not alone.

The best form of support in my experience is to be around other people who have been where you are, and have made it out the other side.

Just as with drug and alcohol addiction, none of us STAY clean and sober on our own.  It’s a WE thing.  Not a ME thing.

We need to break the cycle.

Stay off him/her, your drug of choice, and plug into a support group of likeminded people who can call you on your shit.

Before you go back to him/her, before you pick up that next drink, call and talk to someone you trust.

My head is a dangerous place to be driving around by myself.

In conclusion, until you experience something for yourself, you have ZERO right to judge someone else’s experience.

Just as I know from drug and alcohol addiction, it is not a matter of “will power”.

We are not ‘weak people’.

We can stop, but can we stay stopped on our own?

In my experience, the answer is highly unlikely….

Now that I’ve seen the correlation between addiction and domestic violence, I understand that there is some level of mental illness happening.

And all that means, is we all have mental health. And the opposite of health, is illness.

Abusing yourself via drugs and alcohol, or abusing yourself by going back into a toxic, and most often abusive relationship, is not healthy.

The best way out of illness, in my experience, is through the support and care of other people who are from your tribe.

People who have been there, done that, and have found a way out the other side.

A tribe of people who have zero interest in the things you have, the car you drive, or the job you possess.

They only have interest in helping you get safe.

Because people who have been to hell and back, want to help others find their way into the light.

Because being of service and serving a purpose, is the best feeling known to humans.

And you, you father fugging CRAZY WARRIOR BITCH – DESERVE TO BE SAFE AND TO BE LOVED.

xo