Suicidal > Hormones?

Dec 02, 2023

What’s up fam. I haven’t written in over a year I don’t think. So why have I finally decided to start blogging today? Because I’m feeling suicidal. For those of you who’ve followed my journey on social media for a long time, you’d know that I was diagnosed with Graves disease in May of 2017. Ever since then, everything has been a hot mess. Coincidentally, I had my first brush with “period issues” in March 2018. So it’s truly difficult to pin down what the issue truly is that’s causing me so much … well- shit.

I never had an issue with my period. No cramps, no mood swings, no nothing. In fact, because of being so heavily into working out, my period was so light most months I’d hardly notice it. But in 2018, I was working out while staying at my grandmother’s house when suddenly I felt like a dump truck slammed straight into my guts. I was doubled over in pain on the gym floor, looking like I was rubbing one out. Trying to push the pain away, I remember <vividly> how horrible I felt doubting all the girls in high school who used to complain about period pain. I can hardly remember what I was doing 5 minutes ago, so when I say “vividly”, I mean like as clear as fucking day I can recall how much pain I was in.

Since that time, I can recall having spells of not sleeping that would last a week. Then in 2019 I can remember having my first spell that lasted 2 weeks. I felt like I was going to jump out of a window. Then from there, I had my second thyroid relapse December 24th 2020 and wound up in the emergency room (which was fine because it got me out of Australian hotel quarantine). During that time, I didn’t sleep for over a month.

I threw thousands and thousands of dollars at tests, doctors and meds trying to find a solution. Then when I got back to America in May 2021, I started on low dose naltraxone. For 30 days I had a miracle transformation. No anxiety, no depression, slept well, no appetite, and had massive workouts. It was insane. Then I got a sinus infection and suddenly the medication stopped working. (come to find out people can have a “euphoric” reaction for the first 2-4 weeks)

Fast forward to January 2022 and I started in on the next bought of no sleeping. It literally went for two months. I felt like I was going psychotic. I’d wake up at 1am or 3am on the dot. And when I woke up, it was an immediate awakening from a deep sleep with my adrenaline PUMPING. This also happened when I was in Australia. By time I got back in March, it started to normalise. All was going ok until July 22nd. That’s when I stopped sleeping again.

Then up until 3 days ago, I was doing the same exact thing that was happening back at the beginning of the year, except like the last spell, my thyroid was within range. So what the fuck is causing this?

I could type so much- try and write out a timeline and play investigator dan- but I’m not interested. I don’t care anymore. I’m so tired of trying to figure it out. I am in fact in peri menopause. That much I know. Being a woman is so fucked up. Ever since 2017 or 2018, not sure which, I’ve been fucked up. I’m sure by time I stop typing this I’ll feel differently but at present, I don’t want to do anything. I quite literally don’t want to be apart of society, I don’t find joy in anything that used to make me happy, and I could easily punch everyone in the mouth.

And sadly, now that I’m done writing, I still feel the same.

*update* as soon as I hit save, my shins started sweating. I think I just had my first hot flash.